walid

i dont know there are peoples still read blogs.( i did, every each time before i go for any travel trip with my bestfriends)  but yet every entries i have few viewer. i dont know which of your reading this but i want to share you a story :

there a man, that i have involved my live with. lets call him W. he's a friend, a partner, a wild person who really hard to be taken care of, he's emotional yet very very matured, he's funny but most of his joke is about my life. he's a friend, a best friend. no string attached but there's a lot of emotion relationship. no responsibilities but there's a lot of future discussions. if you ask me, what is he, i'll tell you that he is a person who i need. 

platonic or whatever you call; i cannot comment on this. we live like we want, what we have. we argued, he disagreed me a lot, i blamed him for all. what's the best on him, he takes all the blamed. i remember i fought and stressed myself over the job, every time i argue with boss, i'll brag to him. and it's always me who do not share the whole story but always his fault for not be understanding. i blamed him everything.

i need him. we planned our future but we never mention about being together. we never thought, nor feel that will happen. but everything i plan, there's always him to decide. he has decided about my expenses, comments my crazy behaviors, always advising. he was there.

but i always complain, saying that he never gave me attention, not even care how am i living, not superman enough to help me. and i always said that one day i'll be disappear like a bubble and he'll never feel the absence. i always said that i am never be important to him. everything is never enough for me. 

i am the one who started to ignore him. i break his heart. im away when he needs me the most. i make he waits a lot. and one day, i face a downtime, and i want him back. he is no longer there for me.

my teacher once said; when you're married. make your family important. forget about all the best friends, they sometimes can annoy you. ironically, i listened to that, but i am the one who being swayed because friends are mostly married now. for the first time, i feel i need him the most. i regretted but i cannot turn back. i am not strong but i have to act normal. (where i know, as an adult this is normal)(but have you ever know, no matter how strong/fake you are, you have that one person that see the other side of you). i read many people said that God taken away all peoples who are not good for us; ironically.. i am the one who toxic. he should be healthy to lose me now. 

i hope he's happier. someone takes care of him and his feelings. peoples make him laugh like real hard. problems settled. i hope he wins all the games that he play, food that chews are tasteful. i hope he never get sick. i hope the air that he breathe are clear. birds chirping in the morning, i hope his never forget me. 

remembering all the good days that we have together. smile on every funny memories. laugh to all stupid reactions. this is my lost. i dont want you readers repeat my mistakes. i learned, and i am hurt. i feel alone and guilt. i even recite every day after prayers, list down all my sibling and best friend names and say " Dear God, protect them from disappointment. because i know how painful does it feel".

i hope you still remember that one day crazily i said that the children will call me mummy and you'll be Walid.