10 years of friendship. and it ends in one day, with a simple 3am text.
exactly 2 months now.
i am now not bragging how much sad am i to make me writing this post. i am not. i will not let you know how it breaks me. but it is. but it is. a lot.
we knew about this a year before. we fought a lot, we disagreed. but i never stopped him. yes, i never did. because i am a person who steal peoples' blessings. i never ask him to be fair to me. i never asked to call off. i never even ask to choose me.
once, he was afraid, because he said that everything comes from him will hurt me. the decision to hold, or letting go, any how both will hurt me. and he did not want that to happen. but he did. ghosting me for a year, leaving no trace. make me wonder to whom am i used to rely on. make me wonder how difficult that for him too. wondering what my mistake, what have i did, what makes everything change. 10 years, and i deserved only 7 hours.
no, i am not hurt because he chose her over me. like i said, we have knew this. i hurt because, after these 10 years through thick and thin, through everything we shared together. through all difficulties, sickness, tears, laugh real hard. i deserved 7 hours? 10 years and i deserved 7 hours??
everyone gets different version of me. some sees my crazy side, some my always positive side, some people adore about my confidence, some annoyed with my kerekness. but you, you saw my dark side, my soft spot. my anxieties, my insecurities. some day, i wonder why i trusted you so much.
and there's you. who cry to me when life is too difficult, talking about futures and planning, share about hope and dreams, always want me to take care of, always wanted me to report on what am i doing, i wonder is she gets the same version of you too?
i was there, when no one was. i was there when you lost your ground. i was there. and i deserved 7 hours? am i a fool or something?
or something. many will said ' you should moved already'
yes, if it is easy as what you say, i have done it earlier that you could never have chance to say that to me. i loved, so i will never hate him. i want him to be happy. happiest if he can. i promised him to disappear like a bubble. poof! i will be. one day. i'll be.
he wants our lives to go parallel, so i hope we never meant to meet each other again. just i hope, he will come on my funeral. because i want him to feel the lost that once i felt. i believe he will feel something. i know.
funny when most of the time, we are not hurt by people who we hate.
but those who we love.
the most.
but because it is too hurtful for me. it turns me a person who worried of others' relationship. i want them to have a good end. i am not a type of 'because pelamin anganku musnah, i want others feel the same too'. NO, it's too much as no other human should feel the break.
may all relationship that are around me, by my surroundings, end beautifully. i want to see them happy to walk on aisle, taking photo on the dais, hugs and kisses and all the lovey dovey.
yes, i am okay.
thanks for asking.
