lost the love i loved the most

 10 years of friendship. and it ends in one day, with a simple 3am text. 

exactly 2 months now.

i am now not bragging how much sad am i to make me writing this post. i am not. i will not let you know how it breaks me. but it is. but it is. a lot.

we knew about this a year before. we fought a lot, we disagreed. but i never stopped him. yes, i never did. because i am a person who steal peoples' blessings. i never ask him to be fair to me. i never asked to call off. i never even ask to choose me.

once, he was afraid, because he said that everything comes from him will hurt me. the decision to hold, or letting go, any how both will hurt me. and he did not want that to happen. but he did. ghosting me for a year, leaving no trace. make me wonder to whom am i used to rely on. make me wonder how difficult that for him too. wondering what my mistake, what have i did, what makes everything change. 10 years, and i deserved only 7 hours.

no, i am not hurt because he chose her over me. like i said, we have knew this. i hurt because, after these 10 years through thick and thin,  through everything we shared together. through all difficulties, sickness, tears, laugh real hard. i deserved 7 hours? 10 years and i deserved 7 hours??

everyone gets different version of me. some sees my crazy side, some my always positive side, some people adore about my confidence, some annoyed with my kerekness. but you, you saw my dark side, my soft spot. my anxieties, my insecurities. some day, i wonder why i trusted you so much. 

and there's you. who cry to me when life is too difficult, talking about futures and planning, share about hope and dreams, always want me to take care of, always wanted me to report on what am i doing,  i wonder is she gets the same version of you too?

i was there, when no one was. i was there when you lost your ground. i was there. and i deserved 7 hours? am i a fool or something?

or something. many will said ' you should moved already'

yes, if it is easy as what you say, i have done it earlier that you could never have chance to say that to me. i loved, so i will never hate him. i want him to be happy. happiest if he can. i promised him to disappear like a bubble. poof! i will be. one day. i'll be. 

he wants our lives to go parallel, so i hope we never meant to meet each other again. just i hope, he will come on my funeral. because i want him to feel the lost that once i felt. i believe he will feel something. i know. 

funny when most of the time, we are not hurt by people who we hate.

but those who we love.

the most.

but because it is too hurtful for me. it turns me a person who worried of others' relationship. i want them to have a good end. i am not a type of 'because pelamin anganku musnah, i want others feel the same too'. NO, it's too much as no other human should feel the break.

may all relationship that are around me, by my surroundings, end beautifully. i want to see them happy to walk on aisle, taking photo on the dais, hugs and kisses and all the lovey dovey.

yes, i am okay. 

thanks for asking. 

walid

i dont know there are peoples still read blogs.( i did, every each time before i go for any travel trip with my bestfriends)  but yet every entries i have few viewer. i dont know which of your reading this but i want to share you a story :

there a man, that i have involved my live with. lets call him W. he's a friend, a partner, a wild person who really hard to be taken care of, he's emotional yet very very matured, he's funny but most of his joke is about my life. he's a friend, a best friend. no string attached but there's a lot of emotion relationship. no responsibilities but there's a lot of future discussions. if you ask me, what is he, i'll tell you that he is a person who i need. 

platonic or whatever you call; i cannot comment on this. we live like we want, what we have. we argued, he disagreed me a lot, i blamed him for all. what's the best on him, he takes all the blamed. i remember i fought and stressed myself over the job, every time i argue with boss, i'll brag to him. and it's always me who do not share the whole story but always his fault for not be understanding. i blamed him everything.

i need him. we planned our future but we never mention about being together. we never thought, nor feel that will happen. but everything i plan, there's always him to decide. he has decided about my expenses, comments my crazy behaviors, always advising. he was there.

but i always complain, saying that he never gave me attention, not even care how am i living, not superman enough to help me. and i always said that one day i'll be disappear like a bubble and he'll never feel the absence. i always said that i am never be important to him. everything is never enough for me. 

i am the one who started to ignore him. i break his heart. im away when he needs me the most. i make he waits a lot. and one day, i face a downtime, and i want him back. he is no longer there for me.

my teacher once said; when you're married. make your family important. forget about all the best friends, they sometimes can annoy you. ironically, i listened to that, but i am the one who being swayed because friends are mostly married now. for the first time, i feel i need him the most. i regretted but i cannot turn back. i am not strong but i have to act normal. (where i know, as an adult this is normal)(but have you ever know, no matter how strong/fake you are, you have that one person that see the other side of you). i read many people said that God taken away all peoples who are not good for us; ironically.. i am the one who toxic. he should be healthy to lose me now. 

i hope he's happier. someone takes care of him and his feelings. peoples make him laugh like real hard. problems settled. i hope he wins all the games that he play, food that chews are tasteful. i hope he never get sick. i hope the air that he breathe are clear. birds chirping in the morning, i hope his never forget me. 

remembering all the good days that we have together. smile on every funny memories. laugh to all stupid reactions. this is my lost. i dont want you readers repeat my mistakes. i learned, and i am hurt. i feel alone and guilt. i even recite every day after prayers, list down all my sibling and best friend names and say " Dear God, protect them from disappointment. because i know how painful does it feel".

i hope you still remember that one day crazily i said that the children will call me mummy and you'll be Walid. 

28/9/2019

I wish I have a channel for you to see how much i miss you. But what can i do is only to show you how i have moved on from this.

a note that i cant send, cant said..

wawa.. org nak berhenti wa

giving up

have you ever feel..
one day you wake up and you feel nothing
totally nothing
tired
and no worth at all..

have you ever
feel many things happen and you cannot handle it any longer
you feel angry but you cant shout
you feel sad but  you too tired to cry.

have you ever
stuck on a choice of
unprepared to stop
cant afford to continue

have you ever
feel lonely like no one there to be with you
to feel like every sacrifice worthless
every people meanness

have you ever feel
to have only you by your side
and non-strong heart
who break most of the time

have you ever
missing someone you couldn't text
wanting someone you couldn't have

First love, first sight love.

Tell you what. After two years hiding, i come back writing a love entry.

Because i fall in love. Nope, fell. It’s ended.

We have been listening to many many first love stories, some ends beautifully, some’s not. We also being told about first sight love, where most of peoples wouldn’t believe in this kind of thing. I am one of them, once.

I done both, now.

I have my first love when I’m 17. He’s very generous. He’s my people, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel worth everything in the world. We are happy. Were. But it doesn’t last forever. I learned many things about live thru this. A lot happier to se he’s happier now.

7 years after, i met a person who i fall in love on the first sight. The first time i saw him, i feel strange. He’s adorable. He’s charismatic and ofc, handsome. But that would’ve stop there, his hardwork attitudes always make me feel challenged. I enjoy myself trying to do the best in everything. He talks about me a lot, he gives compliment a lot. He supports me a lot.  He’s proud of me. But i am not him’s.

Both love stories are not written for me, god wants me to learn something thru both of this. I learned. I am stronger. And a lot wiser.

So you think I’m going to cry real hard now?
No. I cried my sweat out.
Because i have a lot of dream to catch, and scenery to watch
And many more dollar bills to count.

life goals?

i am not very sure how every people set their life goals. mine, i have some goals that i really want to achieve, i set it up masa zaman2 sekolah lagi. entah, i cannot remember when it is, since masa sekolah i am never thought that i can be a person, you know: person.

i am really lazy, like godammit lazy. but i always wanted to be the high ranked girl in my class. since my class wasnt that big, i divided our number to two, and always put effort to be always in the first-half-ranked. you know, like if you have 40 peeps, you're the top 20. okaylah.. dah namanya malas, what do you expect. and alhamdulillah, i make it top 10, usually. even pemalas mati.

so i come out wanna be a a great person, i really pray hard to God. asking, am i have chances to have these?

1. go for university.

nama dia malas kan.. i never done my homework. ok i lied. i did, only Bahasa Melayu and Maths. Bm because i like the teacher most. she's kind, and motivated. Maths, because.. usually the homework is once a month. but a lot. like very a lot..but you know, im good on skipping questions.. hahahaha

and alhamdulillah, i graduated my Degree in Mechanical Engineering a year before and now pursuing my Master Degree also in Engineering. ( although i am not really interested on furthering my studies). and thanks god once again, i am in my final semester of my master degree..and studying has been the most worth on teaching me to live. from a very lazy person, to what level am i now( i mean for having this opportunities, alhamdulillah) ( but still a lazy person), i think, this goals has achieved :D

2. be me.

i always go for being fake. nah, bukan memang fake okay. tapi i always tried to put people on the safe sides by saying untrue things. like" Takpe, bolehla..eh tak..". an sometimes, i feel uneasy to have different taste from others. I love Siti like really.. but most of school friends said dia nyanyi tak sedap. so, to be in a group.. i have to hate whatever i likes too. banyak bendalah, like food, tv programme dlll. degree life have taught me to be myself. Lucky me, of having sweet friends like Saujana. <3 p="">

they always teach me on how to express feeling. how to really speak loud. how to really makes people cry softly. and how to kill 'em with kindness. entah, bunyik macam jahat pulak kan. tapi i feel very me. i can go anywhere, wear anything, eat every restaurant that looks delicious. i can laugh very loud and smile very broad. i am being me. paling celaks, saujana tought me of cakap lepas and deep sarcasm hahahahahahaha


3. travel with friends

as my dad is as strict as a policeman, ( well, he is actually) i do not have spent my time with friends more like people always be. i usually meet them outside, and be back before magrib. lagi pula kalau nak travel jejauh with friends mmg takkklahhhh my dad bagi visa gitu je yetak.

but alhamdulillah, i have opportunity to go Singapore, Turkey, Malaysia Peninsular, yakni tempat2 best melepak di semenanjung malaysia seperti waterpark and some food hunting. i have bundle of list of negara nak travel wth friends, but i know our limits now.. since ramai yang dah berkerjaya and ready up for rumah tangga. wow, unbelievable. ayatku acah2 dewasa gituuu.

4. writting a book.

well...............yah, this sounds ridiculous. since i dont have any talent of writting. and for serious, i dont own any followrs. yang sanggup turun padang golek lecak, park 3km jauh.. just  to buy my book. so you know, this is amazingly ridiculous..

however, as i noticed that i am quite talented to be the best listener and motivator that my friends could have. ( i dont care, i on basket by myself..) (you know.) ( they have to say it, no choice) and i can write poems, although mostly in a sad genre.. i am now pursuing to write a simple books, to share my motivations. i mean all of us are sometimes having crisis, moody, PMS, down, feel lost confidence etc etc.. so maybe by mistakes, my book is helping. now, i am working on the book.. but biasalah, it takes a llllllllllllooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnggggggggggg journey. i bet you know me.

5. business

i really wanted to have my own business, but usually i get very kind on giving free items to clients pulak dahh.. macam mana nak untung. furthermore, i should enhance my business skills ni dgn education kot. sbb i mcm quite not enough information regarding business tips and tricks.

i am know having part time jobs, on training business. ( which actually i like the most) and i did sme small business with family too. yeap papa have his own small business, but i want to find my way myself. so, kenalah banyak belajar....

6. property before marriage

ini berbeza sikit mengikut pendapat masing2. me myself, i offer myself to find and have my own property before settle down with marriage. i ni dibesarkan dalam keluarga yang tahap insecurity nya tinggi. so.. i sentiasa akan nak ada plan B, C,D,E,F dan sebagainya. sebab tu laa, i nak kumpul property dulu before married. tapi until now, sekoq property pun i xdek. mungkin i need to struggle after  have finished my master degree laa kot.. hahaha :D


so these are my top 6 life goals konon2  set up masa sekolah. why did i buat ni semua, is just to set my Key Perfomance on living my own life. you know, adult people thinks a lot. idk whether all my goals will be achieved, or not. or maybe some are not. some is. i dont know. but part of me will be working on it, a part of it i lets it be in Allah's plan. because, i know His' is always the best. 

freelance doctor love

ladies and gentlemen


today is 14th July, and its going to be 3 months i have passed my job. hurrayyy ( read: no money, cries all days). but i learned from the no money living is to always be grateful on any food that i have. lucky last month was ramadhan and i can cut most of my budgets.


so
there's always orang yang akan tanya
'tak bosan ke berhenti kerja?'

and i answered with a big NO. sambil nynyi lagu Megan Trainer sambil wiggle wiggle.
i get busy with my project research and most of my time i lost my confidence. but hell yeah, i am Hamizah Itu Kuat by the way.

yeah, i ended my second semester of my Master life. one more step to last my journey here, Alhamdulillah. ( really grats to you Allah), so sambil pandang ke syiling and calculating numbers of biri-biri lompat pagar.. i figured out that Time is NO FRIEND to any man. i could not have this precious waktu tidur and makan murah ( even it's not) after i finished study, as i'm not planning to further my PhD (yet).. i will try best to find a job. so lepasni, i'll get busy and no longer have this kind of masa terluang.


so, i decided to enjoy living without money, and now i am upgrading to be a 'FREELANCE DOCTOR LOVE'. biasalah, most of adults nowadays, dah dapat kerja.. terus nak mendekati alam rumah tangga. hmm.. so i terpaksalah menjadi dokter love mereka nihaaa.. yang tak habis belajar lagi pun, ada jugak yang memerlukan khidmat pesanan ringkas tapi acah deep and memorable aku ini. wow, adakah ini satu bakat? if it's yes, at last i have one! hahahahahaha evil laugh ROFL.

so, if any of you out there, (fefeling ade anonymous reader) yang wanna share your love problems, you're welcome to write to me to mm.the.melody@gmail.com. i'll try my best to fit you, and yeah.... it's free!




lots of love,

DR me  :)

5 years to-go

22/3/2016: i write this.
22/3/2021: i'll read it again and compare


....it's been time i have been a lecturer. this end of year, i will go for Aussie to further my PhD. 4 years on being a lecturer, is actually a very tough routine. life must go on. dont ask about engineer career, never! it breaks even deeper than before.

i live with mom and dad, as a non-married lady, i prefer to stay with them. we live happily in my own house. yeah!a bigger house.. and can said that most of my pocket money are invested towards the house. the big house are always in silent, until somedays kakak and dakha bring their children here.


kakak married to a man, son of papa's friend. kakak doesnt like him at first. but now they live happily. that what people said Tuah Ayam nampak di kaki, tuah manusia siapa yang tahu. They have 2 children. a boy and an annoying princess. yeah, she's annoying. i hate her the most. hahaha

dakha married to her best friend, they live happily with 3 kids. All boys. looks very alike. ebi love play with them. sometimes, ebi bring them watching movies, they call him "Uncle Ebi". ebi is now still studying his degree in engineering. we dont really know that he is actually quite good.

soya.. a best buddies, she's getting busy nowadays. she's just deliver a new baby. the 3rd. She married after she finished her degree. tak sangka, a friend who she admire a lot, does love her a lot too.  they're unique. soya looks better now. zero worry and no longer serabut. she's a teacher. she's teaching in a polytechnic. all her dream come true. we dont really dating now. she's staying outside melaka, and if dia balik kampung pun.. we dont really meet each other. i mean, she does having another commitment too. and we cant expect life will be as simpler as we're studying.


saujanas, syila marrying her boyfriend, almost three years this month. not yet have kids, they tried a lot. takpelah, maybe it's not the time yet. harap syila can be sabar sedikit. bella married to mus last year. kahwin jugak dorang tuh. she's waited him so long kot. and now they living in Japan since Mus has his commitment there. betu2 jepun dah minah bella tu sekarang. Nora, last time i met her, it was Hari Raya. she's now are no more like before, she become talkative and happy.. she married to her classmate. aku dah agak dah.. budak ni layan dia extra sangat.. aku dah agak dah..mommy now have one child. lelaki.. very cute. very takative. very annoying sama macam mamy. baby? she;s still single.. tulah kau biij, memilih sangat nak muka acah acah rangga.. akhirnya serangga pun takde nak melekat kat kau bijj kahkahkahkah.. haziqah is the first one getting married among us. she's having two kids now. both are girls. so sweet. last time i met her, is on her wedding day, selainnya aku usha dalam insta je. andd insta is still up now taw. masih lagi digunakan sebagai alat mengapelod gambau2 lagakan manusia.. hahaha. masyi is not yet marry, but will be mrrying her boyfriend end of this year. apalah, aku nak pergi aussie kau sebok nak kawen.. pleaselah cepatkan untuk aku.. cannah? haha



i have lost-contact to most of my friend. kalau ade pun, yang masih layan twitter. sometimes aku rasa bosan gak sorang.. tapi sometimes, aku rasa semak pulak beramai.. papa plan so many weddings for me, but i objected all of them. i happy to be alone, for now or for at least another 5 years. maybe

an actress

ladies and gentlemen,

it's March! woot woot~ basically, I've been celebrating my granpa birthday... Happy Birthday to the most gentle and loving man. I pray everything for you.

and

it's my 4th month of working here. Working in an investment company, which is cannot be easy as ever. and it's time for second semester too!! yuhhuu~~ (lepaks everyday)(lepastu marah sebab miskin)(lepastu lepak lagi..)(but i see connections thru us, alhamdulillah)(susah kot, aku nak mengekalkan momentum ini... hahah, whattatooya?)


so

as many peoples been asking..yeah, i work and i study. i do both. why? well of course, my explanation is soooo long and until you find my entry wasn't that interesting sudaaahhh.. hahaha lagipun, its about three quarter of my classmates are working too. many of them are of course engineers. some are lecturers, some are managers, and truly said, some own their own company. wau!

i am just a little management trainee in a huge building, working for a very nice and beautiful GM. doing investment is something hard for me, i dont really know basics. i go for study but i dont really grab it good. but well, my boss helps me a lot.

after 5, i killed the traffic, run away to go for my class which is exactly 20km apart from office. hmm, looks near dont ya? but well, traffic wasted all the time..20km, i'll be there to class at 6:30pm. andd hurray, i have to turn my brain to adapt engineering subject baack!

sometimes, something up in office, so i go to class with a swing moods. sometimes, i get praises, and i go class with a beautiful smile face. sometimes, i am so hungry like cannot wait for the class end, sometimes i really sleepy, and you can see me BERtasbih di dalam kelas. ( play mobile phone). worst case, migraine, em.. well.. i try attend the class fiirst, until i find myself sleeping in surau or on my bed.. kahkah

to turn my brain for adapting two different things, is of course a big problem. but sometimes, i do neglect both. haha. but, deep.. i know i love engineering even more. not saying investment is boring, but you know.. people have their own abilities,kan...

so.. am I a part time worker or a part time student? Both are wrong, because both are part times for me. I am on my full time in living my own life..

im taking this two careers as a character, wearing office suits and make up from the morning, and turnn to be a very messy teenage students after five! what a 180 character i'm having..

happiness, believe me.. when you're doing what you want and what you believe you can, you definitely will feel more energized and functioned. and with all the hearts, you will feel happiness. well, i called satisfaction as happiness.

yes, i lost most of my time, no time for movies and lepaks until late night, because i really need to sleep early, but i know.. Allah knows what the best for me. aku tengok marathon masa weekend! hahaha :D


and folks, one ques.. will you please dont ask me

" Penat tak?"

because i dont have the answer.

one by one

ladies and gentlemen,


 i am now pursuing my studies to the master degree. and yeah, its not even on my life goals list. God given me a very great mom, who wished to have daughters with an at least- master degree qualification. ( maybe because mom knows PhD is expensive)(master is expensive too actually)(very) i keep blaming my mom for everything.( no study mood)(weak assignments)(no good presentation)(i don't put any strength on it).

i hate when people keep saying " wahh.. nak jadi lecturer!' (like what) people think, master degree is just for those lecturers.( FYI, to be a lecturer, you need to have at least PhD.) mother wants it because mother sees opportunities better than me. and i could not find study is fun any longer. i have no friends, no one to talk to. and i get jealous when all friends are already get their job.

i keep complaining everyday. i broke mom's heart. i play reserve. i don't want to meet peoples. i hate my friends, they changed. i hate him. and his all times non-supportive comments. i lost my appetite, i don't do shopping. i went for part time jobs, but i'm losing time for nothing. i get angry easily. i hate myself, i hate even living. i wrote a suicide note, and i killed every memories.

i resigned. and in all my free time, i met him for one more time.  and i realized..

• selfish friends, will forever selfish. they categorized people. they choose their new friends. and I do not need any selfish friend here. 
• i have done nothing to make my mom so proud and so happy. just maybe, mom does have her life goals too. and i bother to create a happy face on her tired face.
• master wasn't that bad, it is so much helping. i have become so much knowledgeable, and sisters and brothers share their skills with me. and they keep praising my effort to study in young age. ( young, huh?)(shut up, i just love it!)

and i decided to stand. face the world. be brave. so what if i still studying? and so what if they are now working? they don't even ask hows life that i'm having. how painful that i'm surviving? how pitiful that i'm doing? one by one, lil girl.one by one. 

and hundred of thanks to

• a friend who turn deaf now, because keep lends me her ears
• a friend who turn antisocial now, because keep lends me a heart 
• a friend who become phone obsessed, because keep lends me her time

and i'm so sorry, for leaving you. i am in progress of making my mom and dad happy. and you seems couldn't understand it.

GROWN

Ladies and Gentlemen

its being time i dont really write. Sorry. halah, lagipun no one is being a kudos pun on reading my entry. yetak? hahaha.

life has changed a lot. people are now connects only by using whatsapp, feeling are expressed using status and tweet.

i am growing old.

GROW?
nowadays, we heard a lot of people saying they have grown and (most annoying) puberty hits. by applying a great make up on face and wearing nice dress and skirts, humans are leveled as grown and matured. really? (really, really??) (annoying voices)

where what most important is actually, we should be more independent and versatile, stop judging and be moderate in everything we do. control anger and be cool. accept ourselves and others deficiency. ITU baru nama dia Grown. what happens in the world now, (still) everyone is wanting so much to be HIPSTER. (me too, i guess) ( i am a human, kehkeh)

peoples, fashion has nothing used to measure how matured a person has been. it's a choice. you wear what you want and be whatever you people want other to look at you. hipster and unhipster and non-such thing represent how matured people is.

make up. grown up peeps. make ups are made to make you feel beautiful. apply if you want. ( if you dont want to wear make up, it's fine.. but dont get angry if people judge you based on what you look)(again, judging..) ( and again saying they've grown up)(annoying voices) there are persons who manage to buy expensive make ups. but there are people who apply cheap make up. sometimes, its not about value. its about the make up itself (look great on her) (good result on her) ( great chemicals for her skin) i mean, why you are judging on what they are applying? (and again saying ' Grown up,girl!!)( hehh?) (long annoying voices) are money value shows your mature level? ( i mean, really?) taking selfies and said this is what happen when puberty hits you (REALLY?) (using make up?)(puberty)(really?)

and for those who dont apply any. be smart. maybe you're fine on not wearing, and its god for you but dont judge people on how they look..(so you really think it's cool for not wearing any? )(judging, huh?)  accept others. they are on what they want. we still applying democracies, aren't we?

we hits our own target, we achieve our own goals. and we still having last-time revenge? while everyone is having their life to live,  you still carrying school-time revenge? and again saying you're grown up?

people. you grown bigger, grown taller, grown older. but if you carrying the same person from what you have been 10 years ago. you're do not grown any mature. recheck what you've said. dont mix them up. be cool, have everything one by one. show respect to others, and respect yourself too. be kind realistically.smile on stupid egoistic person. be clever. be beautiful in any way you want. accept peoples. Be strong. a Grown-up girl.



i might just be Peter Pan, then.

THE VERY FIRST WEDDING AMONG US

the relationship of Maslinda and Azreen sebenarnya have started masa kitorang sekolah lagi. form four macam tu,.Mas ni jenis senang rapat dengan orang, banyak kawan.. tapi dengan Azreen, she's very different! aku pun tak pernah nak tanya lelebih. but one thing that i realized is, she really looks forward towards this relationship.

masa form five, mas pernah tanya aku, apa pandangan aku kalau dia bertunang, sebab azreen is actualy 10 years older than us. aku? as a person yang tak pernah fikir tentang perkahwinan dan kehidupan bekeluarga ( kecuali kadang2 aku fikir, nak buat wedding besar-besaran macam artis.. err, tapi ni sebelum aku matang.. haha..), jadi aku pun beritahu dia supaya memberi ruang yang lebih lama dalam berkenalan. yelah, masa tu aku muda remaja.. aku rasa kahwin muda is boringg~~


years by years, mas banyak je upload gambar dia dengan azreen, keluar lah, melepak laa.. makan laa.. tapi aku tak pernah pulak nak tanya sejauh mana hubungan diorang sekarang, until one day.. dia text aku.

' miza datang rumah aku 31/8, aku tunang..'

terbeliak biji mata aku, terkeluar urat saraf  otak.. ' WHATTT??? tunang..???

dalam keadaan aku yang tak tahu sama ada dah berubah dewasa ke masih kekanak, Mas da fikir about tunang? She is getting married? what??

majlis pertunangan Maslinda dan Azreen (31/08/14)

she is very serious on it. masa Mas tunang, the theme was pink! semorang tahu aku memang allergic kaler pink. terasa diri macam feminine melampau, melampau yang sampai perlu ditampau. haha jadi masa hari tunang mas, semua orang gelakkan aku sebab aku pakai pink. mas ajak aku bergambar atas pelamin tunang dia. dia ajak semua orang jugak. she looks so pretty, even aku kekadang lupa muka biasa dia. hahahaha..

 then goes to bachelorette party yang simple tapi comel ini. konon-konon kami rancang nak buat surprise party untuk mas.. rancang punya rancang.. kami deal untuk buat di rumah one of us, iaitu ezziey. problem dia, mas pulak time ni dia stay kat rumah ezziey, so.. its very hard to plan it as surprise.

ezziey, terpaksa berlakon konon ada masalah keluarga yang perlu diselesaikan segera. aku pulak, konon-konon ajak mas keluar lepak makan makan.. walhal.. semua kawan-kawan akan kumpul di rumah ezziey masa aku ajak mas keluar. it was very funny, bila mas masuk kereta aku, and she found the sandwiches yang aku buat..


' kau nak buat apa dengan roti ni, miza?"

" kau lapar sangat ke, miza?"

so many question yang aku terpaksa jawab dengan jawapan yang superb tak masuk akal like, aku tak makan dari pagi... i was very hungry!

masa hanta mas balik, aku pepura nak guna toilet, tapi tetibah, datang lak seorang member aku yang bersikap durjana menghantar message ' sorry mas aku xdpt dtg..' bahahah.. tidaklah kawan aku ini durjana pun.. tetapi sikapnya aja. hahahaha mas dah mula suspicious.


bila mas bukak pintu, she asked me

' kau rancang ape ni mizaaaa...'

 alamak, kantoi ke?

and the party is on!

 a shortform of WE LOVE YOU

arrangement of candles, a short form of WE LOVE YOU, as the receptionist.

GOODBYE SINGLE LADY

AND ALL THE SELFIES ARE TAKEN. actually tema bagi party ini adalah black and white. black and white adalah dua tona berbeza yang menunjukkan dua kehidupan berbeza. itu philosophy nya. hahaha and.... nope, mas.. GOODBYE SINGLE LADY doesn't mean that kitorang nk tinggalkan kau or do wanna to befriend with you anymore, it just a metaphor nak mengatakan yang you have already move one more step  forward. we are still your friends. never ending friends.

next, hari dimana rehearsal diadakan. harini kitorang rehearsal kat mana nak jalan, mana nak tunggu, mana nak berkumpul. pukul berapa nak kena ada.. dan macam2 lagi. for seriously, harini jugak, mas nkah.. dan disebabkan aku ada hal yang agak penting, aku tak dapat hadir ke majlis nikah. sorry mas sayang, please jangan balas dendam kalau aku kahwin. thank you :)

rehearsal jadi flower girl, tapi ter-rehearsal duduk atas pelamin. cmne?

WEDDING

seperti yang semua serba maklum, haruslah kami lambat tiba ke majlis. hahaha. sampai mas call banyak kali dan tanya ..

' wedding aku ni ade flower girl ke tak niii...??'

hahahahha

masing-masig pun asyik nak ber make up, nak betulkan make up.. nak tukar kasut, nak selfie here and there.. lebih sibuk dari yang nk bersanding

tema majlis mas iaah emerald green and peach. so sweet. mas is soooo beautiful, all friends too.

MASLINDA DAN AZREEN

28 FEBUARI 2015

YANG PALING BEST : Kami dapat jumpa kawan kawan lama, lebih2 lagi ika ramli.. yang dah lama sangat tak jumpa

hari yang sama jugak, kawan sekolah kitorang ika razak kawen, so dengan kenderan bermotor atau haiwan berkaki empat milik donat, kitorang menuju ke rumah ika razak.

suasana HAVOC OH dalam kereta

ohh, alamak.. gamba kat majlis ika, belum masuk.. takpe, insya Allah naty kita tulis yang seterusnya ya..


akhir kata, i wish mas a very happy and lovely marriage. semoga selalu sabar dan tabah melalui hari2 sebagai seorang isteri. kami doakan kebahagiaan kau :)

rasa kecewa

bilik gelap. jauh aku termenung. rak buku aku tatap. entah apa yang aku bayangkan. mungkin berharap ilmu boleh ditransfer dengan sekadar pandangan,

hari ahad, sibuk kawan- kawan bercerita tentang kahwin, pum pam pum pam, hati berbisik, siapakah si pemilik. antara ia wujud atau entah dia tidak. aku tidak membantah.


terfikir aku di sudut berbeza, bagaimana manusia bisa membuka hati dengan sebegitu mudah, bagaimana manusia boleh mencintai dengan begitu mudah.  bagaimana manusia mengatasi kekecewaan tanpa rasa serik untuk mencintai sekali lagi.


terkenang aku peristiwa kecewa, yang membuat aku menutup hati sehingga hari ini.sakit, terlalu sakit rasa itu. perit. setiap hari setiap masa, aku menangis. mengingatkan dia aku menangis. bunyi henfon aku berharap dari dia, tapi harapan aku pasakkan, semua hampa.

dah lebih 4 tahun, masih aku rasa siksa kecewa. dah lebih 4 tahun, masih aku ingat derita menangisi hari-hari muram. dah lama, sangat lama.. tapi masih aku takut untuk memulakan yang baru.


kerana aku telah serik, memberi tanpa menerima, kerana aku telah serik menyayangi tapi dikhianati.

kerana itu aku takut untuk mencintai, sekali lagi.

lali

aku telah dewasa
harapn serupa engkau
aku telah terbiasa


aku telah lali
setiap harapan engkau
aku dah sebati


aku telah angkat kaki
setiap lafaz harapan
aku tak peduli


tapi hati masih menanti, walau acapkali aku ujar aku sudah berhenti

untuk apa berkawan

untuk apa berkawan, jika akhirnya aku diketepikan


untuk apa berkawan, jika nanti aku pasti kau lupakan


untuk apa berkawan, kalau kau merajuk aku pujukan

untuk apa berkawan, bila aku tersentuh, kau tambah lukakan..

beritahu aku
untuk apa berkawan.

final year.

yeah.
baru beberapa hari lepas, adalah hari graduasi bagi para senior aku
minggu ni genap 4 minggu aku menempuh
kehidupan tahun akhir
di university ini.

bila tengok abang akak yang bergraduat, aku rasa sesuatu
perasaan bergolak galik, berombak ambek?
cemburu.
cemburu melihat mereka memakai jubah
jubah dan topi

cemburu melihat senyum ketawa mereka
mereka bebas dan merdeka
tiada lagi buku, tiada lagi peperiksaan
tiada bersengkang mata setiap malam.
tiada projek viva yang tak berjalan.

aku?
aku masih terikat dengan urusan akademik
insya Allah, tahun depan pusingan aku

tapi..
apa aku yakin aku mampu?
teruskan langkah ini
teruskan nada ini
terus maju setapak lagi

usaha hamizah,
apa kau curiga tuhan disisimu?

bahu kiri kamu.

hidup
terkadang penuh cecita.
aku ade satu cita cita yang
tak mungkin aku dapat kejar
ia cuma impian.

impian tanpa sempadan

aku ingin bina satu blog, atau mungkin page
atau mungkin website
entah
aku bukan penggodam terbaik malaysia
aku kurang pasti mana satu
lebih mulia

dan aku
teringin berkongsi bahu dengan mereka
buat satu page yang boleh semua orang
luahkan perasaan, masalah atau pelukan khidmat
nasihat
boleh dapatkan dari aku

nah, aku bukan
manusia bijaksana sini
pandai nasihat orang
ceduk ayat kitab itu ini

tetapi aku lebih suka mendengar masalah
orang
kerana aku tahu
apa rasa nya bila tiada orang
untuk berkongsi bahu
kerana aku
ngerti apa
rasanya
bila tiada telinga yang sudi
mendengar isi hati.


dan mesti
aku akan cuba sebaik mungkin
memberi nasihat
memberi pandangan
yang mungkin berguna untuk dia
si pengadu
dan mungkin buat si pembaca
supaya
kita bersama boleh
bersama nberjuang
merentangi apa jua
masalah
yang ada.

hati, kenapa dia?

dia telah pergi

benar

dia memang telah pergi

gila!
ya aku memang gila

tapi hanya dia

yang buat hatiku bercambah

dari duka kepada ketawa

tetapi

hati, kenapa dia?

cahaya

aku masih bisa
ingat lagi
hari terakhir 'kau mampir
hari terakhir senyum kau pamer

aku masih bisa
ingat lagi
wktu itu aku berbaju kurung
hitam dan putih
kau berbaju ungu
ya, kau dan dia
berbaju ungu

aku masih bisa
ingat lagi
sengihan ketawa
serpihan jenaka
dan bait bait gerak tari
waktu kita bersama di sini

hari ini,
kau di hadapanku
hari ini
kau kuntum senyummu
masihkau ingat
siapa aku?
siapa aku dihatimu
siapa aku padamu dulu

hari ini
setelah bertahun
kau hadir lagi
mencelah gembira di hati sepi

sayang,
telah lama aku pendam sepi teramat
telah aku biar hidup
tanpa erti sahabat

hari ini
kau beri cahaya
kau pulangkan kegembiraan lama.
kau buat aku senyum
kau buat aku ketawa

hari ini
aku rasa aku dapat
kekuatanku
semula

tetapi
siapapun aku sebelum ini
kini
di depan aku
kau masih pilih dia.
dia yang baru dalam hidupmu



tertulis buat
" aku tak pernah rasa hilang orang yang aku sayang, kau jangan pernah buat aku rasa macam ni! "