one by one

ladies and gentlemen,


 i am now pursuing my studies to the master degree. and yeah, its not even on my life goals list. God given me a very great mom, who wished to have daughters with an at least- master degree qualification. ( maybe because mom knows PhD is expensive)(master is expensive too actually)(very) i keep blaming my mom for everything.( no study mood)(weak assignments)(no good presentation)(i don't put any strength on it).

i hate when people keep saying " wahh.. nak jadi lecturer!' (like what) people think, master degree is just for those lecturers.( FYI, to be a lecturer, you need to have at least PhD.) mother wants it because mother sees opportunities better than me. and i could not find study is fun any longer. i have no friends, no one to talk to. and i get jealous when all friends are already get their job.

i keep complaining everyday. i broke mom's heart. i play reserve. i don't want to meet peoples. i hate my friends, they changed. i hate him. and his all times non-supportive comments. i lost my appetite, i don't do shopping. i went for part time jobs, but i'm losing time for nothing. i get angry easily. i hate myself, i hate even living. i wrote a suicide note, and i killed every memories.

i resigned. and in all my free time, i met him for one more time.  and i realized..

• selfish friends, will forever selfish. they categorized people. they choose their new friends. and I do not need any selfish friend here. 
• i have done nothing to make my mom so proud and so happy. just maybe, mom does have her life goals too. and i bother to create a happy face on her tired face.
• master wasn't that bad, it is so much helping. i have become so much knowledgeable, and sisters and brothers share their skills with me. and they keep praising my effort to study in young age. ( young, huh?)(shut up, i just love it!)

and i decided to stand. face the world. be brave. so what if i still studying? and so what if they are now working? they don't even ask hows life that i'm having. how painful that i'm surviving? how pitiful that i'm doing? one by one, lil girl.one by one. 

and hundred of thanks to

• a friend who turn deaf now, because keep lends me her ears
• a friend who turn antisocial now, because keep lends me a heart 
• a friend who become phone obsessed, because keep lends me her time

and i'm so sorry, for leaving you. i am in progress of making my mom and dad happy. and you seems couldn't understand it.