a note that i cant send, cant said..

wawa.. org nak berhenti wa

giving up

have you ever feel..
one day you wake up and you feel nothing
totally nothing
tired
and no worth at all..

have you ever
feel many things happen and you cannot handle it any longer
you feel angry but you cant shout
you feel sad but  you too tired to cry.

have you ever
stuck on a choice of
unprepared to stop
cant afford to continue

have you ever
feel lonely like no one there to be with you
to feel like every sacrifice worthless
every people meanness

have you ever feel
to have only you by your side
and non-strong heart
who break most of the time

have you ever
missing someone you couldn't text
wanting someone you couldn't have

First love, first sight love.

Tell you what. After two years hiding, i come back writing a love entry.

Because i fall in love. Nope, fell. It’s ended.

We have been listening to many many first love stories, some ends beautifully, some’s not. We also being told about first sight love, where most of peoples wouldn’t believe in this kind of thing. I am one of them, once.

I done both, now.

I have my first love when I’m 17. He’s very generous. He’s my people, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel worth everything in the world. We are happy. Were. But it doesn’t last forever. I learned many things about live thru this. A lot happier to se he’s happier now.

7 years after, i met a person who i fall in love on the first sight. The first time i saw him, i feel strange. He’s adorable. He’s charismatic and ofc, handsome. But that would’ve stop there, his hardwork attitudes always make me feel challenged. I enjoy myself trying to do the best in everything. He talks about me a lot, he gives compliment a lot. He supports me a lot.  He’s proud of me. But i am not him’s.

Both love stories are not written for me, god wants me to learn something thru both of this. I learned. I am stronger. And a lot wiser.

So you think I’m going to cry real hard now?
No. I cried my sweat out.
Because i have a lot of dream to catch, and scenery to watch
And many more dollar bills to count.

life goals?

i am not very sure how every people set their life goals. mine, i have some goals that i really want to achieve, i set it up masa zaman2 sekolah lagi. entah, i cannot remember when it is, since masa sekolah i am never thought that i can be a person, you know: person.

i am really lazy, like godammit lazy. but i always wanted to be the high ranked girl in my class. since my class wasnt that big, i divided our number to two, and always put effort to be always in the first-half-ranked. you know, like if you have 40 peeps, you're the top 20. okaylah.. dah namanya malas, what do you expect. and alhamdulillah, i make it top 10, usually. even pemalas mati.

so i come out wanna be a a great person, i really pray hard to God. asking, am i have chances to have these?

1. go for university.

nama dia malas kan.. i never done my homework. ok i lied. i did, only Bahasa Melayu and Maths. Bm because i like the teacher most. she's kind, and motivated. Maths, because.. usually the homework is once a month. but a lot. like very a lot..but you know, im good on skipping questions.. hahahaha

and alhamdulillah, i graduated my Degree in Mechanical Engineering a year before and now pursuing my Master Degree also in Engineering. ( although i am not really interested on furthering my studies). and thanks god once again, i am in my final semester of my master degree..and studying has been the most worth on teaching me to live. from a very lazy person, to what level am i now( i mean for having this opportunities, alhamdulillah) ( but still a lazy person), i think, this goals has achieved :D

2. be me.

i always go for being fake. nah, bukan memang fake okay. tapi i always tried to put people on the safe sides by saying untrue things. like" Takpe, bolehla..eh tak..". an sometimes, i feel uneasy to have different taste from others. I love Siti like really.. but most of school friends said dia nyanyi tak sedap. so, to be in a group.. i have to hate whatever i likes too. banyak bendalah, like food, tv programme dlll. degree life have taught me to be myself. Lucky me, of having sweet friends like Saujana. <3 p="">

they always teach me on how to express feeling. how to really speak loud. how to really makes people cry softly. and how to kill 'em with kindness. entah, bunyik macam jahat pulak kan. tapi i feel very me. i can go anywhere, wear anything, eat every restaurant that looks delicious. i can laugh very loud and smile very broad. i am being me. paling celaks, saujana tought me of cakap lepas and deep sarcasm hahahahahahaha


3. travel with friends

as my dad is as strict as a policeman, ( well, he is actually) i do not have spent my time with friends more like people always be. i usually meet them outside, and be back before magrib. lagi pula kalau nak travel jejauh with friends mmg takkklahhhh my dad bagi visa gitu je yetak.

but alhamdulillah, i have opportunity to go Singapore, Turkey, Malaysia Peninsular, yakni tempat2 best melepak di semenanjung malaysia seperti waterpark and some food hunting. i have bundle of list of negara nak travel wth friends, but i know our limits now.. since ramai yang dah berkerjaya and ready up for rumah tangga. wow, unbelievable. ayatku acah2 dewasa gituuu.

4. writting a book.

well...............yah, this sounds ridiculous. since i dont have any talent of writting. and for serious, i dont own any followrs. yang sanggup turun padang golek lecak, park 3km jauh.. just  to buy my book. so you know, this is amazingly ridiculous..

however, as i noticed that i am quite talented to be the best listener and motivator that my friends could have. ( i dont care, i on basket by myself..) (you know.) ( they have to say it, no choice) and i can write poems, although mostly in a sad genre.. i am now pursuing to write a simple books, to share my motivations. i mean all of us are sometimes having crisis, moody, PMS, down, feel lost confidence etc etc.. so maybe by mistakes, my book is helping. now, i am working on the book.. but biasalah, it takes a llllllllllllooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnggggggggggg journey. i bet you know me.

5. business

i really wanted to have my own business, but usually i get very kind on giving free items to clients pulak dahh.. macam mana nak untung. furthermore, i should enhance my business skills ni dgn education kot. sbb i mcm quite not enough information regarding business tips and tricks.

i am know having part time jobs, on training business. ( which actually i like the most) and i did sme small business with family too. yeap papa have his own small business, but i want to find my way myself. so, kenalah banyak belajar....

6. property before marriage

ini berbeza sikit mengikut pendapat masing2. me myself, i offer myself to find and have my own property before settle down with marriage. i ni dibesarkan dalam keluarga yang tahap insecurity nya tinggi. so.. i sentiasa akan nak ada plan B, C,D,E,F dan sebagainya. sebab tu laa, i nak kumpul property dulu before married. tapi until now, sekoq property pun i xdek. mungkin i need to struggle after  have finished my master degree laa kot.. hahaha :D


so these are my top 6 life goals konon2  set up masa sekolah. why did i buat ni semua, is just to set my Key Perfomance on living my own life. you know, adult people thinks a lot. idk whether all my goals will be achieved, or not. or maybe some are not. some is. i dont know. but part of me will be working on it, a part of it i lets it be in Allah's plan. because, i know His' is always the best. 

freelance doctor love

ladies and gentlemen


today is 14th July, and its going to be 3 months i have passed my job. hurrayyy ( read: no money, cries all days). but i learned from the no money living is to always be grateful on any food that i have. lucky last month was ramadhan and i can cut most of my budgets.


so
there's always orang yang akan tanya
'tak bosan ke berhenti kerja?'

and i answered with a big NO. sambil nynyi lagu Megan Trainer sambil wiggle wiggle.
i get busy with my project research and most of my time i lost my confidence. but hell yeah, i am Hamizah Itu Kuat by the way.

yeah, i ended my second semester of my Master life. one more step to last my journey here, Alhamdulillah. ( really grats to you Allah), so sambil pandang ke syiling and calculating numbers of biri-biri lompat pagar.. i figured out that Time is NO FRIEND to any man. i could not have this precious waktu tidur and makan murah ( even it's not) after i finished study, as i'm not planning to further my PhD (yet).. i will try best to find a job. so lepasni, i'll get busy and no longer have this kind of masa terluang.


so, i decided to enjoy living without money, and now i am upgrading to be a 'FREELANCE DOCTOR LOVE'. biasalah, most of adults nowadays, dah dapat kerja.. terus nak mendekati alam rumah tangga. hmm.. so i terpaksalah menjadi dokter love mereka nihaaa.. yang tak habis belajar lagi pun, ada jugak yang memerlukan khidmat pesanan ringkas tapi acah deep and memorable aku ini. wow, adakah ini satu bakat? if it's yes, at last i have one! hahahahahaha evil laugh ROFL.

so, if any of you out there, (fefeling ade anonymous reader) yang wanna share your love problems, you're welcome to write to me to mm.the.melody@gmail.com. i'll try my best to fit you, and yeah.... it's free!




lots of love,

DR me  :)

5 years to-go

22/3/2016: i write this.
22/3/2021: i'll read it again and compare


....it's been time i have been a lecturer. this end of year, i will go for Aussie to further my PhD. 4 years on being a lecturer, is actually a very tough routine. life must go on. dont ask about engineer career, never! it breaks even deeper than before.

i live with mom and dad, as a non-married lady, i prefer to stay with them. we live happily in my own house. yeah!a bigger house.. and can said that most of my pocket money are invested towards the house. the big house are always in silent, until somedays kakak and dakha bring their children here.


kakak married to a man, son of papa's friend. kakak doesnt like him at first. but now they live happily. that what people said Tuah Ayam nampak di kaki, tuah manusia siapa yang tahu. They have 2 children. a boy and an annoying princess. yeah, she's annoying. i hate her the most. hahaha

dakha married to her best friend, they live happily with 3 kids. All boys. looks very alike. ebi love play with them. sometimes, ebi bring them watching movies, they call him "Uncle Ebi". ebi is now still studying his degree in engineering. we dont really know that he is actually quite good.

soya.. a best buddies, she's getting busy nowadays. she's just deliver a new baby. the 3rd. She married after she finished her degree. tak sangka, a friend who she admire a lot, does love her a lot too.  they're unique. soya looks better now. zero worry and no longer serabut. she's a teacher. she's teaching in a polytechnic. all her dream come true. we dont really dating now. she's staying outside melaka, and if dia balik kampung pun.. we dont really meet each other. i mean, she does having another commitment too. and we cant expect life will be as simpler as we're studying.


saujanas, syila marrying her boyfriend, almost three years this month. not yet have kids, they tried a lot. takpelah, maybe it's not the time yet. harap syila can be sabar sedikit. bella married to mus last year. kahwin jugak dorang tuh. she's waited him so long kot. and now they living in Japan since Mus has his commitment there. betu2 jepun dah minah bella tu sekarang. Nora, last time i met her, it was Hari Raya. she's now are no more like before, she become talkative and happy.. she married to her classmate. aku dah agak dah.. budak ni layan dia extra sangat.. aku dah agak dah..mommy now have one child. lelaki.. very cute. very takative. very annoying sama macam mamy. baby? she;s still single.. tulah kau biij, memilih sangat nak muka acah acah rangga.. akhirnya serangga pun takde nak melekat kat kau bijj kahkahkahkah.. haziqah is the first one getting married among us. she's having two kids now. both are girls. so sweet. last time i met her, is on her wedding day, selainnya aku usha dalam insta je. andd insta is still up now taw. masih lagi digunakan sebagai alat mengapelod gambau2 lagakan manusia.. hahaha. masyi is not yet marry, but will be mrrying her boyfriend end of this year. apalah, aku nak pergi aussie kau sebok nak kawen.. pleaselah cepatkan untuk aku.. cannah? haha



i have lost-contact to most of my friend. kalau ade pun, yang masih layan twitter. sometimes aku rasa bosan gak sorang.. tapi sometimes, aku rasa semak pulak beramai.. papa plan so many weddings for me, but i objected all of them. i happy to be alone, for now or for at least another 5 years. maybe

an actress

ladies and gentlemen,

it's March! woot woot~ basically, I've been celebrating my granpa birthday... Happy Birthday to the most gentle and loving man. I pray everything for you.

and

it's my 4th month of working here. Working in an investment company, which is cannot be easy as ever. and it's time for second semester too!! yuhhuu~~ (lepaks everyday)(lepastu marah sebab miskin)(lepastu lepak lagi..)(but i see connections thru us, alhamdulillah)(susah kot, aku nak mengekalkan momentum ini... hahah, whattatooya?)


so

as many peoples been asking..yeah, i work and i study. i do both. why? well of course, my explanation is soooo long and until you find my entry wasn't that interesting sudaaahhh.. hahaha lagipun, its about three quarter of my classmates are working too. many of them are of course engineers. some are lecturers, some are managers, and truly said, some own their own company. wau!

i am just a little management trainee in a huge building, working for a very nice and beautiful GM. doing investment is something hard for me, i dont really know basics. i go for study but i dont really grab it good. but well, my boss helps me a lot.

after 5, i killed the traffic, run away to go for my class which is exactly 20km apart from office. hmm, looks near dont ya? but well, traffic wasted all the time..20km, i'll be there to class at 6:30pm. andd hurray, i have to turn my brain to adapt engineering subject baack!

sometimes, something up in office, so i go to class with a swing moods. sometimes, i get praises, and i go class with a beautiful smile face. sometimes, i am so hungry like cannot wait for the class end, sometimes i really sleepy, and you can see me BERtasbih di dalam kelas. ( play mobile phone). worst case, migraine, em.. well.. i try attend the class fiirst, until i find myself sleeping in surau or on my bed.. kahkah

to turn my brain for adapting two different things, is of course a big problem. but sometimes, i do neglect both. haha. but, deep.. i know i love engineering even more. not saying investment is boring, but you know.. people have their own abilities,kan...

so.. am I a part time worker or a part time student? Both are wrong, because both are part times for me. I am on my full time in living my own life..

im taking this two careers as a character, wearing office suits and make up from the morning, and turnn to be a very messy teenage students after five! what a 180 character i'm having..

happiness, believe me.. when you're doing what you want and what you believe you can, you definitely will feel more energized and functioned. and with all the hearts, you will feel happiness. well, i called satisfaction as happiness.

yes, i lost most of my time, no time for movies and lepaks until late night, because i really need to sleep early, but i know.. Allah knows what the best for me. aku tengok marathon masa weekend! hahaha :D


and folks, one ques.. will you please dont ask me

" Penat tak?"

because i dont have the answer.