lost the love i loved the most

 10 years of friendship. and it ends in one day, with a simple 3am text. 

exactly 2 months now.

i am now not bragging how much sad am i to make me writing this post. i am not. i will not let you know how it breaks me. but it is. but it is. a lot.

we knew about this a year before. we fought a lot, we disagreed. but i never stopped him. yes, i never did. because i am a person who steal peoples' blessings. i never ask him to be fair to me. i never asked to call off. i never even ask to choose me.

once, he was afraid, because he said that everything comes from him will hurt me. the decision to hold, or letting go, any how both will hurt me. and he did not want that to happen. but he did. ghosting me for a year, leaving no trace. make me wonder to whom am i used to rely on. make me wonder how difficult that for him too. wondering what my mistake, what have i did, what makes everything change. 10 years, and i deserved only 7 hours.

no, i am not hurt because he chose her over me. like i said, we have knew this. i hurt because, after these 10 years through thick and thin,  through everything we shared together. through all difficulties, sickness, tears, laugh real hard. i deserved 7 hours? 10 years and i deserved 7 hours??

everyone gets different version of me. some sees my crazy side, some my always positive side, some people adore about my confidence, some annoyed with my kerekness. but you, you saw my dark side, my soft spot. my anxieties, my insecurities. some day, i wonder why i trusted you so much. 

and there's you. who cry to me when life is too difficult, talking about futures and planning, share about hope and dreams, always want me to take care of, always wanted me to report on what am i doing,  i wonder is she gets the same version of you too?

i was there, when no one was. i was there when you lost your ground. i was there. and i deserved 7 hours? am i a fool or something?

or something. many will said ' you should moved already'

yes, if it is easy as what you say, i have done it earlier that you could never have chance to say that to me. i loved, so i will never hate him. i want him to be happy. happiest if he can. i promised him to disappear like a bubble. poof! i will be. one day. i'll be. 

he wants our lives to go parallel, so i hope we never meant to meet each other again. just i hope, he will come on my funeral. because i want him to feel the lost that once i felt. i believe he will feel something. i know. 

funny when most of the time, we are not hurt by people who we hate.

but those who we love.

the most.

but because it is too hurtful for me. it turns me a person who worried of others' relationship. i want them to have a good end. i am not a type of 'because pelamin anganku musnah, i want others feel the same too'. NO, it's too much as no other human should feel the break.

may all relationship that are around me, by my surroundings, end beautifully. i want to see them happy to walk on aisle, taking photo on the dais, hugs and kisses and all the lovey dovey.

yes, i am okay. 

thanks for asking. 

walid

i dont know there are peoples still read blogs.( i did, every each time before i go for any travel trip with my bestfriends)  but yet every entries i have few viewer. i dont know which of your reading this but i want to share you a story :

there a man, that i have involved my live with. lets call him W. he's a friend, a partner, a wild person who really hard to be taken care of, he's emotional yet very very matured, he's funny but most of his joke is about my life. he's a friend, a best friend. no string attached but there's a lot of emotion relationship. no responsibilities but there's a lot of future discussions. if you ask me, what is he, i'll tell you that he is a person who i need. 

platonic or whatever you call; i cannot comment on this. we live like we want, what we have. we argued, he disagreed me a lot, i blamed him for all. what's the best on him, he takes all the blamed. i remember i fought and stressed myself over the job, every time i argue with boss, i'll brag to him. and it's always me who do not share the whole story but always his fault for not be understanding. i blamed him everything.

i need him. we planned our future but we never mention about being together. we never thought, nor feel that will happen. but everything i plan, there's always him to decide. he has decided about my expenses, comments my crazy behaviors, always advising. he was there.

but i always complain, saying that he never gave me attention, not even care how am i living, not superman enough to help me. and i always said that one day i'll be disappear like a bubble and he'll never feel the absence. i always said that i am never be important to him. everything is never enough for me. 

i am the one who started to ignore him. i break his heart. im away when he needs me the most. i make he waits a lot. and one day, i face a downtime, and i want him back. he is no longer there for me.

my teacher once said; when you're married. make your family important. forget about all the best friends, they sometimes can annoy you. ironically, i listened to that, but i am the one who being swayed because friends are mostly married now. for the first time, i feel i need him the most. i regretted but i cannot turn back. i am not strong but i have to act normal. (where i know, as an adult this is normal)(but have you ever know, no matter how strong/fake you are, you have that one person that see the other side of you). i read many people said that God taken away all peoples who are not good for us; ironically.. i am the one who toxic. he should be healthy to lose me now. 

i hope he's happier. someone takes care of him and his feelings. peoples make him laugh like real hard. problems settled. i hope he wins all the games that he play, food that chews are tasteful. i hope he never get sick. i hope the air that he breathe are clear. birds chirping in the morning, i hope his never forget me. 

remembering all the good days that we have together. smile on every funny memories. laugh to all stupid reactions. this is my lost. i dont want you readers repeat my mistakes. i learned, and i am hurt. i feel alone and guilt. i even recite every day after prayers, list down all my sibling and best friend names and say " Dear God, protect them from disappointment. because i know how painful does it feel".

i hope you still remember that one day crazily i said that the children will call me mummy and you'll be Walid. 

28/9/2019

I wish I have a channel for you to see how much i miss you. But what can i do is only to show you how i have moved on from this.

a note that i cant send, cant said..

wawa.. org nak berhenti wa

giving up

have you ever feel..
one day you wake up and you feel nothing
totally nothing
tired
and no worth at all..

have you ever
feel many things happen and you cannot handle it any longer
you feel angry but you cant shout
you feel sad but  you too tired to cry.

have you ever
stuck on a choice of
unprepared to stop
cant afford to continue

have you ever
feel lonely like no one there to be with you
to feel like every sacrifice worthless
every people meanness

have you ever feel
to have only you by your side
and non-strong heart
who break most of the time

have you ever
missing someone you couldn't text
wanting someone you couldn't have

First love, first sight love.

Tell you what. After two years hiding, i come back writing a love entry.

Because i fall in love. Nope, fell. It’s ended.

We have been listening to many many first love stories, some ends beautifully, some’s not. We also being told about first sight love, where most of peoples wouldn’t believe in this kind of thing. I am one of them, once.

I done both, now.

I have my first love when I’m 17. He’s very generous. He’s my people, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel worth everything in the world. We are happy. Were. But it doesn’t last forever. I learned many things about live thru this. A lot happier to se he’s happier now.

7 years after, i met a person who i fall in love on the first sight. The first time i saw him, i feel strange. He’s adorable. He’s charismatic and ofc, handsome. But that would’ve stop there, his hardwork attitudes always make me feel challenged. I enjoy myself trying to do the best in everything. He talks about me a lot, he gives compliment a lot. He supports me a lot.  He’s proud of me. But i am not him’s.

Both love stories are not written for me, god wants me to learn something thru both of this. I learned. I am stronger. And a lot wiser.

So you think I’m going to cry real hard now?
No. I cried my sweat out.
Because i have a lot of dream to catch, and scenery to watch
And many more dollar bills to count.

life goals?

i am not very sure how every people set their life goals. mine, i have some goals that i really want to achieve, i set it up masa zaman2 sekolah lagi. entah, i cannot remember when it is, since masa sekolah i am never thought that i can be a person, you know: person.

i am really lazy, like godammit lazy. but i always wanted to be the high ranked girl in my class. since my class wasnt that big, i divided our number to two, and always put effort to be always in the first-half-ranked. you know, like if you have 40 peeps, you're the top 20. okaylah.. dah namanya malas, what do you expect. and alhamdulillah, i make it top 10, usually. even pemalas mati.

so i come out wanna be a a great person, i really pray hard to God. asking, am i have chances to have these?

1. go for university.

nama dia malas kan.. i never done my homework. ok i lied. i did, only Bahasa Melayu and Maths. Bm because i like the teacher most. she's kind, and motivated. Maths, because.. usually the homework is once a month. but a lot. like very a lot..but you know, im good on skipping questions.. hahahaha

and alhamdulillah, i graduated my Degree in Mechanical Engineering a year before and now pursuing my Master Degree also in Engineering. ( although i am not really interested on furthering my studies). and thanks god once again, i am in my final semester of my master degree..and studying has been the most worth on teaching me to live. from a very lazy person, to what level am i now( i mean for having this opportunities, alhamdulillah) ( but still a lazy person), i think, this goals has achieved :D

2. be me.

i always go for being fake. nah, bukan memang fake okay. tapi i always tried to put people on the safe sides by saying untrue things. like" Takpe, bolehla..eh tak..". an sometimes, i feel uneasy to have different taste from others. I love Siti like really.. but most of school friends said dia nyanyi tak sedap. so, to be in a group.. i have to hate whatever i likes too. banyak bendalah, like food, tv programme dlll. degree life have taught me to be myself. Lucky me, of having sweet friends like Saujana. <3 p="">

they always teach me on how to express feeling. how to really speak loud. how to really makes people cry softly. and how to kill 'em with kindness. entah, bunyik macam jahat pulak kan. tapi i feel very me. i can go anywhere, wear anything, eat every restaurant that looks delicious. i can laugh very loud and smile very broad. i am being me. paling celaks, saujana tought me of cakap lepas and deep sarcasm hahahahahahaha


3. travel with friends

as my dad is as strict as a policeman, ( well, he is actually) i do not have spent my time with friends more like people always be. i usually meet them outside, and be back before magrib. lagi pula kalau nak travel jejauh with friends mmg takkklahhhh my dad bagi visa gitu je yetak.

but alhamdulillah, i have opportunity to go Singapore, Turkey, Malaysia Peninsular, yakni tempat2 best melepak di semenanjung malaysia seperti waterpark and some food hunting. i have bundle of list of negara nak travel wth friends, but i know our limits now.. since ramai yang dah berkerjaya and ready up for rumah tangga. wow, unbelievable. ayatku acah2 dewasa gituuu.

4. writting a book.

well...............yah, this sounds ridiculous. since i dont have any talent of writting. and for serious, i dont own any followrs. yang sanggup turun padang golek lecak, park 3km jauh.. just  to buy my book. so you know, this is amazingly ridiculous..

however, as i noticed that i am quite talented to be the best listener and motivator that my friends could have. ( i dont care, i on basket by myself..) (you know.) ( they have to say it, no choice) and i can write poems, although mostly in a sad genre.. i am now pursuing to write a simple books, to share my motivations. i mean all of us are sometimes having crisis, moody, PMS, down, feel lost confidence etc etc.. so maybe by mistakes, my book is helping. now, i am working on the book.. but biasalah, it takes a llllllllllllooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnggggggggggg journey. i bet you know me.

5. business

i really wanted to have my own business, but usually i get very kind on giving free items to clients pulak dahh.. macam mana nak untung. furthermore, i should enhance my business skills ni dgn education kot. sbb i mcm quite not enough information regarding business tips and tricks.

i am know having part time jobs, on training business. ( which actually i like the most) and i did sme small business with family too. yeap papa have his own small business, but i want to find my way myself. so, kenalah banyak belajar....

6. property before marriage

ini berbeza sikit mengikut pendapat masing2. me myself, i offer myself to find and have my own property before settle down with marriage. i ni dibesarkan dalam keluarga yang tahap insecurity nya tinggi. so.. i sentiasa akan nak ada plan B, C,D,E,F dan sebagainya. sebab tu laa, i nak kumpul property dulu before married. tapi until now, sekoq property pun i xdek. mungkin i need to struggle after  have finished my master degree laa kot.. hahaha :D


so these are my top 6 life goals konon2  set up masa sekolah. why did i buat ni semua, is just to set my Key Perfomance on living my own life. you know, adult people thinks a lot. idk whether all my goals will be achieved, or not. or maybe some are not. some is. i dont know. but part of me will be working on it, a part of it i lets it be in Allah's plan. because, i know His' is always the best.